The pithy, opinionated, and sometimes brutally frank Heinz-Ulrich von Boffke challenges average guys to live a life less ordinary and embrace classic style in the broadest sense. it's time to rise above the trite, the boring, the predictable, the mundane, the banal, and the commonplace. It's time to stop behaving like barnyard animals at the trough and leave behind the perpetually sloppy man-child aesthetic of the last two decades or so. It's time to learn once again how to present and conduct yourself like an adult with some grooming, finesse, and sophistication. And here is where you can learn how.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Since tomorrow is the annual day of Thankgiving here in the United States, I thought it high time to rerun a piece that has been featured here at Classic Style for the Average Guy for at least the last couple of years. Take it in the spirit it is meant. Part of kicking up our everyday style several notches involves our behavior, which might, in some instances need some work. So, while I hope you might don, at the very least, a pressed button-down shirt and jacket or blazer plus some leather loafers before you join your loved ones at the Thanksgiving table tomorrow, remember, it ain't just about the clothes. Here we go. . .
The American Thanksgiving holiday is almost upon us, and with it, the start of the rather frenetic Christmas and New Year's Season. While I naturally hope that regular readers of and occasional visitors to The Average Guy's Guide to Classic Style will have to good graces NOT to show up to any special holiday dinners or other events dressed in hoodies, sweatpants, sagging jeans, and flip-flops or sneakers, this post is not about attire.
Nope. Instead, it's a yearly reminder to average guys everywhere to remember and practice polite table manners. It's about maintaining a proper sense of decorum, an awareness of occasion, and about coming across as someone with a smidgen of polish and sophistication when you sit down to the table. Not just on special occasions either, but everyday. Yep. That's right. I can almost hear the collective groans now. Go on, boys. Get it out of your systems. All done? Good.
As I started to say, here is a reprise of a post from November of 2012 (with a few small recent edits by yours truly), which presents all kinds of useful tabletop information, which used to be common knowledge. At least in my particular dimension. Sadly, however, that very knowledge about how to conduct oneself pleasantly at the table seems to have become more arcane and even esoteric in recent decades. In any case, here we go.
In the blogosphere right now, you'll come across any number of blogs that talk at length about men's clothing style, grooming, appearance, and how these things contribute to our being/becoming/conducting/perceiving ourselves as gentlemen. Good. That's a decent enough goal by itself. However, it's only one small part of the picture. There is another hugely important and related topic that no one seems to mention on the many blogs and websites on the subject that I peruse and read each week. What is it, you ask?
Why, table manners of course. Shock! Horror! Gasp! Yep, I said it. And I'm making no apologies. Table manners should be as much a part of our personal style as our attire and grooming, if not more so. Average guys ought to keep that in mind. Even when we are at home with the door closed. Newsflash! Our close family is just as deserving of polite behavior as people we work with, ride public transport next to, or pass on the street.
However, because table manners are associated with upbringing and/or perceived socio-economic class, they are a potentially explosive issue, prompting knee-jerk accusations of snobbery and arguments about elitism. Regardless of your position, basic table manners are clearly a challenge for many these days based on what you'll observe in most any restaurant or dinner gathering in which people from different backgrounds come together socially.
Sadly, lots of people labor under the delusion that table manners -- or indeed polite behavior and social niceties in general -- are stiff, overly formal, old-fashioned, and outmoded with no place in modern society. And if that's your attitude, fine. I can't change it.
But let me make a few relevant points. We aren't talking about state occasions, bowing to our social superiors, curtseying to the Queen, shrimp forks, or finger bowls here. Just common decency and ensuring that we remain pleasant to have around. We are not cavemen, wild dogs, or half-starved farm animals eating from troughs after all. Moreover, actions speak louder than words. And just like our attire, our behavior speaks volumes about us and conveys a great deal about where and who we come from, as well as the kind of person we are beneath the fancy clothing, excessive education, certifications, and impressive-sounding titles.
Of course we want to make a good first impression with the various people we meet and those we work with. But we also want to maintain that positive initial image over time. Likewise, and I would argue even more important, we want to remain attractive, likable, and desirable to our chosen mates and partners. The people with whom we share our lives and selves on a daily basis 24/7. Why risk spoiling that with crude behavior? Finally, if we have them, we want to set solid examples of decent behavior for our children. We want, hopefully, to teach our youngsters to be gentlefolk with good grooming and at least a modicum of refinement and sophistication before they are unleashed on the world. Basic table manners are a part of all that like it or not.
So, without belaboring the point any further, here are 14 tips to remember that will go a long way in helping us average guys to be pleasant dining companions -- and more gentlemanly -- whether we are around the family table, having a working lunch with colleagues, or meeting that special person's parents for the very first time with a sit-down dinner as part of the equation. Here we go:
1) Above all, use the words, "please," thank you," and (if necessary) "excuse me" liberally. Don't forget it!
2) Sit up in your chair with both feet on the floor in front of you. Don't slouch in your chair, and keep your feet confined to the space beneath your seat. Don't swing your feet or stretch out your legs beneath the table into someone else's space. Keep yourself to yourself. Finally, keep your feet off the darn chair! In other words, don't bend one of your knees and rest your foot on the seat of the chair with your bent knee at face level. . . something that seems to have reached epidemic levels these days. Buck the trend, and just keep your feet where they belong. On the floor.
3) Keep your elbows off the table and your napkin in your lap during the meal. Oh, and you might want to use it to wipe your lips gently when necessary. Your napkin that is. Not your elbow.
4) Ask for things to be passed to you. Don't reach.
5) Cut your food -- or if eating a roll or bread, break it -- into bite-sized pieces. Don't force huge hunks of food into your mouth. Ick!
6) No one will take your food away from you, so don't hunch over your plate with an arm around it, picking through your food with your fork as though someone will swoop down and steal it. We aren't vultures, so let's not act like it.
7) Slow down! Don't gobble your food as fast as you can. This is not a pie or buffalo wing eating contest at a summertime county fair.
8) Don't slurp, burp, or make other noises at the table. Excuse yourself if and when this happens although it really shouldn't at a table of older children and adults. Chewing with your mouth closed might help.
9) Likewise, avoid (like the plague) talking with your mouth full. No one wants to see that. And just imagine how embarrassed you would be if you spit out bits of food in the direction of a dining companion in the middle of relating something to him or her. Chew it up, swallow, and take a drink before you say anything. Oh, and try not to leave food particles on the edge of your glass. Better yet, make sure you don't.
10) Remember not to gesture or point at others with your eating utensils. We're nearing the end of the meal here, guys, so stay with me just a bit longer.
11) When you finish, don't wipe up your plate with a piece of roll or bread. Just place your silverware to one side on your plate (the right side in the 10 o-clock-4 o'clock position), and leave any remaining food residue where it is. By the same token, DON'T lick your plate or utensils clean. Yes, I know. But I've actually heard of families where this is the norm.
12) Finally, please don't wipe your mouth with your hand or the back of your wrist when you are finished. Use your napkin! That's what it is for, but be discreet. Your napkin is not a washcloth/face flannel for Heaven's sake, so don't scrub your entire face with it. And it should go without saying that you never, ever blow your nose into it! If you run into nasal issues during a meal, excuse yourself from the table without going into details and, once again, take care of the problem in private, well out of earshot of your dining companions at the table.
13) Avoid picking food from your teeth with a toothpick or finger while you are still at the table. I actually witnessed a young woman engage in the latter yesterday in the dining commons of my small college where I was holding late-semester meetings with students. Ugh! But then, she was sitting with her knee bent and a foot on the seat of her chair, airing her differences to the other three young "ladies" (sarcasm intended) at the table with her, so I should not have been surprised. In any case, if or when you find yourself with food stuck between two teeth, excuse yourself from the table for a few moments to take care of the matter privately in the restroom.
14) Here's a final tip to keep in mind. While at the table, there is certain subject matter (illnesses, certain surgeries, anything having to do with the bathroom, or bodily functions, etc. ) that is best left for another time. If you absolutely need to discuss it at all. Talking about things like that during meals is just plain crude and will probably put at least one other person at the table off of their food. Really. Our mothers hopefully raised us better than that, and we are no longer 10-year old boys at summer camp trying to show our friends how gross we can be. Hopefully, we have left that behind by now. Right?
There we are. Behaving like ravenous street curs at the table is not attractive (understatement of the year). So, let's make sure we take the necessary steps to avoid coming across that way. Start by making the various and sundry pointers above habitual. Yes, even when you are alone. Make pleasant behavior at the dining table a normal part of your routine, and you will be well on your way to becoming an extremely pleasant dining companion in most situations you'll encounter.
And, as I indicated previously, if you take issue with what I've said here and persist in ignoring it, that's fine. We are certainly permitted our different points of view. But there is probably little danger of us sitting down to enjoy a meal together anytime soon. Now go put on a shirt with a collar and some clean pants without an elastic waist, damn it!