Exhibit Quiet Sophisitcation for the Holidays and Beyond. . .

Well, Thanksgiving 2023 is in the rearview mirror, and it’s December 1^st.  Once again, the festive season is upon us with its annual parties and gatherings of various kinds.  And whether we’re out and about during the next month plus a few days, or hosting people in our own homes, we naturally want to maintain that favorable impression we have worked hard to make with family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors.  Not to mention any new acquaintances who cross our personal and professional paths.  One of the ways we do that is through our actions, which, as the saying goes, speak much louder than any words we might utter to the contrary. 

With that in mind, the following discussion outlines several markers of quiet sophistication.  Even if readers observe these habits already, I suggest that we can nevertheless work just a little bit harder to practice, internalize, and convey that same quiet sophistication to those around us.  In particular to any young people in our charge.  Of course, it is highly likely that I am preaching to the choir here, but bear with me for a few minutes as we walk through several markers of quiet sophistication to exhibit during this holiday season and ever after.   

One mark of quiet sophistication is realizing how to be a considerate guest, assuming you have accepted an invitation in the first place.  That means we avoid putting our hosts in an uncomfortable position.  Unless the invitation clearly states “Add-ons welcome!” or “Bring the kids!” avoid making assumptions and don’t show up with additional unannounced guests in tow.  It demonstrates clueless disregard for the sort of event your hosts envision.  Keep in mind too that they have probably gone to considerable time and expense to plan the evening, which might not be conducive to surprise or unexpected guests.  If in doubt, it’s better to err on the side of just the people whose names are on the invitation.  Whatever you do, though, do not call your hosts ahead of time and ask if you can bring the kids because they are “really good.”  If you can’t find a reliable sitter ahead of time, send your regrets with possibly your own suggestion for a later get together post-holiday season once things have calmed down. 

Here’s another quiet mark of sophistication. Take a host or hostess gift of some kind.  These don’t need to be expensive or ostentatious.  But you do want to show some small token of appreciation for being invited and asked to join in the seasonal fun.  Now, many people turn up their noses at the suggestion of wine, Irish crème, or baked goods, dismissing these items as trite clichés.  Keep in mind, however, the point is to show some gratitude through a bit of thoughtfulness for the people who have invited you to join them in their home, or for an evening out.  If in doubt, or you simply cannot bring yourself to show up with a couple of bottles of nice table wine, try a bunch of flowers, a poinsettia or two, a seasonal centerpiece, or another potted plant of some kind.  These are fairly safe bets.  And a quiet Christmas or holiday card will also do the trick if money is tight, your host does not imbibe, suffers from allergies, or simply has 47 cats who might eat the poinsettias with dire results.

A third quiet mark of sophistication is demonstrating that you know how to be a pleasant dining companion.  So be sure to avoid behaving like you were raised in a barn at the dining table for sit-down meals, and mind your table manners.  We’re talking about the basics here.  At the bare minimum: sit up at the table, place you napkin in your lap after the hostess does so, chew with your mouth closed, don’t talk through a mouth full of food, keep you forearms and elbows off the table during the meal, and ask for things to be passed to you rather than employing the boarding house reach.  It is also nicer for those around you to avoid making noise while you eat or drink, or blowing your nose at the table mid-meal.  Last, remember to use you napkin occasionally to dab your mouth in a discrete way.  Keep these key points in mind to ensure that you are a pleasant dining companions regardless of the season or occasion.

A related mark of sophistication again involves the table, but in this instance it is the buffet table.  If your hosts have not planned a sit-down dinner party but rather a buffet style event, help yourself to a small amount of a few items on your plate, pour yourself a beverage, and move on, so fellow guests might have a chance to enjoy the hors d’oeuvres or other holiday goodies on offer.  Avoid camping out at and/or hovering over the table.  Use the serving utensils set out for that purpose and avoid serving yourself with your fingers, or picking through the foods set out by your hosts.  If you do not care for a particular item, just avoid it and select something else, but do keep negative comments and complaints to yourself.  Remember, your hosts have gone to considerable time, trouble, and probably expense to stage a nice event for everyone involved.

When it comes to various other personal habits where quiet sophistication and dignity come into play, avoid gross behaviors that could, and probably will put others off.  What do I mean exactly?  For starters, keep your fingers out of your nose.  We are not four years old anymore, remember.  In addition, avoid picking at your face or playing with your hair, especially at the dinner or buffet table where there is uncovered food.  It is, moreover, distracting and makes you come across as nervous and uncomfortable.  Likewise, don’t dig for gold in your ears with an errant forefinger.  And here’s one just for the guys.  Do not adjust “the boys” in public.  If you absolutely cannot help yourself, or there is some kind of gastrointestinal issue making you uncomfortable, as my 4^th Grade teacher and ex-army officer, the late Fred Gansel used to instruct us, take care of the issue in the privacy of the restroom.  It should also go without saying – but I will do so anyway -- that we avoid sharing various kinds of less than savory topics (bodily functions, medical procedures, and the like), which risk spoiling the meal for your hosts and fellow guests.  We are not eight-year-old boys at summer camp playing a game of gross out with bunk mates after all.

Moving right along, you knew we would get to the consumption of wine, beer, and liquor, didn’t you?  In short, the type of quiet sophistication we want to aim for here involves recognizing our own limits and stopping before we stray anywhere near them.  Avoid drinking to the point of loud, careless stupidity, or the inability to remain upright, and monitor your alcohol intake in other words.  Falling down sloppy drunk is not cool or admirable at any age.  On the contrary, it’s embarrassing for both you and those around you.  Or it should be.  Besides, why put your host in a different type of uncomfortable position by having to tell you that you have had more than enough, or diverting their attention from the other guests because they have to call you a cab and make sure you leave without further incident?  It would really be better to have one glass, or possibly two over time and then stop before ugly words and/or related undignified behavior arise. 

A further way to demonstrate quiet sophistication this holiday season (and ever after) involves knowing when to take your leave.  In other words, do not overstay your welcome.  Ok, I get it.  You have a sitter, you don’t get out enough sans kids, and you’re having a nice time with your spouse or partner in the company of friends or family.  But it’s far better to avoid overstaying your welcome than it is to leave your hosts looking not-so-surreptitiously at their watches and stifling yawns as you pour yourself another drink and begin the umpteenth story about your drunken college days 30+ years ago.  If the invitation includes specific start and end times, arrive a little late and leave a little early.  If the invitation is for an open house within a particular window of time, on the other hand, realize that the expectation is for guests to come and go rather than to remain present for the entire duration of the event.  As the saying goes, it is far better to leave people wanting to see more of you than to breathe a huge sigh of relief once you finally go.  Remain conscious of that fact, avoid the fabled Midwestern Goodbye, and you’ll be in good shape.

What is the final mark of dignity and quiet sophistication that is well within the reach of most in 2023?  Yep, that’s right.  Toss on a jacket over a collared shirt with a pair of khakis or mid-gray wool dress pants and a pair of leather loafers when you have been invited to someone’s home.  Contrary to the attitude of too many in 2023, that is not an unreasonable expectation for a special occasion or an evening out.  And if there are any readers drawing a blank on that point, keep in mind that you can’t go wrong with a light blue oxford cloth button-down or dark turtleneck beneath a navy blazer or herring bone tweed sports jacket, a pair of creased dress pants, and some loafers on your feet.  If you opt for the former, remember to tuck in your shirt and put on a belt before you head out the door.  And if you want to add a festive tartan necktie, although entirely optional these days, so much the better.  But please, for the love of Pete, leave the sweatpants, blinking Christmas tree, or Sylvester the Cat neckties for another time.  Or, better yet, buried in the back of your bottom dresser drawer until you can donate or dispose of them.

Oh, and here’s a bonus marker of quiet sophistication.  Send a hand-written thank-you note to your hosts a day or two after their event simply because, much like a firm handshake upon meeting someone new or an old acquaintance, it’s the right thing to do.  Even in 2023.

To wind down this particular discussion, let’s channel those old didactic cartoons we used to see in Highlights magazine when we were kids.  Would you rather be a Goofus, or a Galante?  Strive for the latter this holiday season and beyond by exhibiting at least a modicum of dignified habits and behaviors like the kind outlined here.  These types of social niceties are important life skills that we ought to practice ourselves and teach to any young people with whom we have routine contact (children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, young family friends, etc.).  With the annual season of giving in mind then, I suggest that these quiet markers of sophistication are gifts that we can give to those around us the whole year through as we interact with each other, making our immediate environs kinder, gentler, and more pleasant for everyone.

-- Heinz-Ulrich