Too many guys hop into bed with someone else too fast in 2013. And it borders on the pathetic. I'm no prude, but maybe more people would have better luck and less disappointment in the relationship department if they delayed sex and really got to know someone else well. . . really well. And guys -- surprise! -- that takes more than a few weeks of casual dating and "hanging out" in a group of friends.
In the previous post, we looked at a dozen things average guys would do well to consider when it comes to developing relationships with a special someone. On the other side of the coin, what are some red flags to avoid (like the plague) in the search for a potential partner of quality? Here are a few things to keep in mind. Remember, no matter how "hot" she (or he) might be, ignore the following criteria at your peril because it most definitely can and will come back to haunt you later if you allow your libido to run the show. He we go.
1) Is that new woman you've met for drinks and dinner a few times habitually and excessively loud in public? A healthy laugh is one thing, but do people you've never met turn around to see where the noise is coming from on the street or in restaurants?
2) Is she too trendy/loud/flashy/slutty/over-the-top/childish in her attire? Does she catch people's eyes but in the wrong way? What might be cute (sort of) at 10 or 12 can look silly, desperate, or just trashy at 35 or 40.
3) Does she speak in that whiny, squeaky Kim Kardashian/Paris Hilton voice? Is she an adult, or trying hard to seem like a perpetually awkward 11-year old?
4) Does she suffer from "Upspeak"? That dreadful habit so many people have now of phrasing everything as though it were a question.
5) What level is her education? A two-year degree, while it might pay the bills, won't necessarily make someone an interesting partner in the longer term. Does she have educational and career aspirations beyond that? What are they?
6) Does she seem narrow in her outlook and fixated on her country and culture of origin? Need I say more?
7) Is she interested in very much besides watching TV, online gaming, caring for her parakeets, and/or getting high every afternoon?
8) Has she ever been anywhere? And no, Spring Break in either Cancun, or on Cozumel doesn't count.
9) What is she like in her living space, personal habits, and at the table? If she's a slob, walk away now, and save yourself the frustration.
10) Is she so busy and/or career oriented that it seems she has little time to fit you -- and, indeed, the TWO of you -- into her day-to-day existence? Do you want to become a major part of her life, or simply the movie she goes to when she's bored?
11) Is she so focused on just one thing -- for example her pet chinchilla/being single/how drunk she was last Saturday evening/how much she loves the children at the daycare where she works -- that it's difficult for her to talk about much else? Ideally, you want someone in your life who is well-rounded, able to think about and discuss a variety of things from the serious to the frivolous.
12) What's her immediate and extended family like? Think over this point carefully. You'll see these people occasionally, unless you enjoy a considerable buffer zone, and that can put a real strain on a relationship. It's difficult for someone to recognize, acknowledge, and overcome those less-than-desirable traits that stem from upbringing and family culture. It might also be unpleasant for you to endure these habits when it's the two of you alone or at family gatherings. Seriously. How many Christmas Eve dinners do you want to endure seated next to her Uncle Bernie, who asks you, year after year, to pull his finger and laughs raucously when you decline?
Bonus Tip -- Is there anything about this person that might embarrass you if and when she is introduced to your parents/grandparents/siblings/extended family? Take a good hard look at the situation. If there is any doubt in your mind, then there is no doubt. She ain't the one for you. It might make more sense now to avoid anything beyond a casual friendship -- which SHOULD NOT include sex -- with this person.
As an average guy who is thinking about style in a very broad sense, you want to increase the quality of your life. It pays, then, to be discerning and look before you leap. When it comes to relationships with people more specifically, it shouldn't matter how beautiful/pretty/attractive/handsome someone might seem on the outside. If he or she suffers from issues like those outlined in the second list, think again about the level of involvement you seek. It might be possible to overlook two or three of the points covered, but more than that can present difficulties. If not at first, then certainly later down the road once that euphoric new romance has settled down.
Some readers might disagree vehemently with a few of the points I've covered here. Maybe most of them. Fair enough. Romance and who we ultimately choose as partners are intensely personal things after all, and it's sometimes difficult to look at someone and your relationship with him or her in an honest light during that initial rush of physical attraction.
Whatever your own views might be, it's still worth examining the above points since a pleasing exterior in no way guarantees a quality person. Much of that comes from within and through how one interacts with others. Therefore, it pays to be a bit more circumspect in matters of the heart than seems to be the norm these days. It is far wiser to slow down and look at the bigger picture before leaping with heart in hand at the first pretty face that comes through the door.
Does that hot new young woman you're "sort of" dating routinely dissolve into tears and fall to pieces over fairly minor events and setbacks, like, oh, a chipped or broken nail? I'm serious. If so, walk away as fast as your feet will carry you. However good looking you think she might be under all of that three or four-toned hair. She ain't a well-adjusted adult with some depth to her personality. Trust me.
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