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In Matters of the Heart, Don't Be Desperate. . .

Why, oh why, does it seem these days like so many guys are afraid to be by themselves?

It never ceases to amaze me.  What, pray tell?  You really want to know?  Ok, here you go.  The sheer number of online exchanges, and actual conversations one overhears virtually everywhere, where people are apparently obsessed about the "problem" of being single.  What?  What??!!  

You read it right.  And it's not just something the gals trouble themselves over either.  Guys do it too.  But that sort of worrying to death and overthinking those much sought after, hoped for, and eventual relationships is hardly the way for average guys to kick up their everyday style.  Newsflash!  Sadness and desperation are anything but stylish.  Sorry for not being sorry about that.

Here's a different approach to try.  Live your life, behave like a reasonably pleasant, purposeful individual -- DO NOT become a player whatever you do under any circumstances.  That only breeds unhappiness for someone, you or the other person involved. --  and stop trying so hard to find "the one."  You know what, guys?  It's actually harder to meet a quality person when you come across as sad and desperate.  Most of the time, you'll succeed only in finding other sad, desperate men and women.  And that hardly provides a solid foundation on which to maybe build something lasting and special.  This starting to sound like an early Beatles tune!  "I'm so sad and lonely, baby take a chance on me. . . "

But -- Pow!  Bang!  Shazam! -- when you stop looking so hard, you'll find special men and women, who are available and, amazingly, looking themselves.  At times, it might even seem like you are tripping over them.  Honest.  It's how I met my own wife, for example.  And the story goes like this.

About 15 years ago, all of the interesting young women I met were either married, had boyfriends, were not looking at the time, were uninterested, or had "other interests."  Nothing seemed to work.  Ok, time to get my own house in order.  I finally decided to stop trying so hard and get on with my life.  I finished up one graduate program at UW-Madison, lived abroad for a while, and did few things I wanted to do before later moving back to the United States for another graduate program in Minneapolis.  And what do you think happened?  

Yep.  One day, lo and behold. . .  there she was.  Two desks away in the very same graduate teaching assistant office.  The Grand Duchess with her bright Swedish blue eyes, funny smile, freckled face, intoxicating laughter, and slightly crooked nose.  We later went Nordic skiing together one cold Saturday in February, and have, more or less, been together ever since.  Funny how things like that work.

Of course, this story is only pertinent to me.  Call it my Sleepless in Seattle moment.  My life as a chick flick. . .  or even a Bridget Jones story.  Pretty silly really.  But the example does, I hope, help to illustrate the point that if a guy concentrates on other things for a while, and stops looking and trying so darn hard, even desperately, for romance, that one special person will eventually emerge and find you.  It just take a little patience.

-- Heinz-Ulrich 

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